Tuesday, December 16, 2008 11:28 AM
I wake up today after having a serious weird dream. Maybe I was thinking a lot last night. I feel like i am running away from the truth. Pretending to be happy, but having inside the serious damage that i have done for my future. If you look at me, I am a girl with no future. I mean i have no major and the major that i am planning to take does not interest me at all. When can people understand. When can my parents understand. When will others care. Well, i dont care what others care cause what they care about is themselves or they pretend to care. I really hate that.
SOmetimes, i wanna go away alone to place where no one knows me. I just feel happy doing that. I feel that i have done too much damage. I do feel that I am an outsider in here. I feel that I am different and i think differently that no one understand me. When i try to explain myself, they just ignore the idea or pretending to understand. Ok. I am stupid.
In a month time, im gonna be 20. It just so difficult thinking about it. My family wants me to have a guy soon. Ok. find. When i take a look at my life, I would say there are three guys evolving in my life. Each of them have their own different personality and level of closeness to me. Yet, I don't even know if i like either of them. To me, I just need someone similar to me, close to me and understandable that he was patience enough to help go through these adulthood situation. Im not a nice girl like what people see me to be. I can be very mean and sometime, once someone betray me or make me feel hurt once, i sometimes refuse to be friend with them.
He left a few days ago. Usually, I know the presence that he was always there. I mean he was just a call away. I can just call him and talk to him and he would make everything better. Now, he's gone. OK. you can do it girl. you got your own self to support. just dont really on other people. In front of other, I feel like i need to be independent. but in front of him, Im being myself, totally fragile and not being able to cope the problem myself. I guess his serenades comfort me alot. ya...of course he cared a lot about me and loved me alot. as i am his "daughter"
memories brings back happy moments
