Sunday, November 30, 2008 1:23 PM
I've been travelin on this road too long
Just tryin to find my way back home
The old me's dead and gone,
Dead and Gone...
holiday is over, now it's time to go back to reality.but the real world is too awful to go through, how can i go through it?
i'm so scared to look at the future.
oh please, turn back the time...
those quotes above are the thoughts i have been having for the past months.
I don't like to see or even look forward at the unplanned future. but guess wad, my future is unplan. i can't believe time go faster than me. i feel so insecure. sometime, i just feel im alone in this world. no one seems to understand me. the things i like arent the things that they like. they think im weird and they think im not important. i pretend to be someone im not. usually someone that they want me to be. but it's hard to keep going like this. mommy, daddy, i cant any longer take this pain. i want it to end. please. how can my smiles be slowly disappearing. how can my chest hurt so much. my head are so painful, feels like needles are poking all over my head. i wanna it to end. but everytime i talk to people, no one seems to understand it. do anyone care. i can't express it in me. i may look strong, independent and mature. but inside, im just like an ordinary people who had a feeling. the way people ignore me hurts me so much that i dunno what else i did wrong. wad am i to do, if this continues to grow.
the life road is too long, if it ends now, will it be better? i dun think so...but wad should i do to move on. i wanna be happy. that's all i want. but why can't i be happy. dun i have feelings to. i dun care about my relationship or even my love life. cuz i never been lucky or good enough for love. i have no space in my heart and my head to think about love. all i care now is my life. i wanted to learn to love someone. love GOD, love my family, love my friends, love my neighbor and love myself. i used to be a happy girl with no worries in her life. but i am not the same girl. i have changed. i have become someone insecure of myself that i myself dun even recognize. i hate this feeling. can it stop? i dun think so. should i move on? but i dunno how...somebody help me. for i am blind and i have lost my way out. and nobody cared.
thinking it was thanksgiving, i should be thankful. but who should i thank for.
1. GOD- He gave me a life, a world to live, and a family that love me unconditionally.
2. My family- no matter how mess up i am. they still love me. but it gives a burden to me. im such a shame to them.what should i do?
3. Joyce- to me, she is the friend who understand me. knows me better than anyone else. she's the one who fill up the gap in my life, cause she always have the words to comfort me. i'm glad she came into my life.
4. My second family - my friends have been my second family. there are ups and downs, but they care about me.
5. My dolls - all my dolphins and fishes are the best people who company during those lonely and miserable nights, maybe i can't hardly sleep without them.
currently listening: dead and gone - T.I feat. JT
memories brings back happy moments
Wednesday, November 26, 2008 7:57 AM
Happy Thanksgiving!!!!
I'm off to DC today. I'll be back on Sat night. See you guyz
xoxo
memories brings back happy moments
Monday, November 24, 2008 10:39 PM
sometimes im tired of people who pushes me and asks me unnecessary questions. either they ask at the wrong time or the questions just annoyed me. ok. i have a feeling too. it's just that i dun show it. but when i don't those feelings are kept inside me that they slowly put up one after another, creating a giant volcano that is about to erupt.
ok, i have a life. and i can choose which way to go. i mean i know GOD will direct me that. but if i choose to stay home and rest, is that a problem. i mean u;ve been sick. when u're sick u cant think. so don't make people who are sick thing. cause you wont get the result that u want. i have a life. u have life too. so please understand that we both hv things important to do. sometimes, i think people just dun understand. they pretended they do care. but hell yeah, they care. maybe after i told them the story, they'll forget. i don't like those people.
I know you may think im weird. but i just dont like people to know too much about my life, unless i was the one who tell them. people who ask too much really annoy the hell of me. oh well. i dun really care what people think of me. cause i prefer to be different rather than blending with other people. i have my own opinion. but they dont like to listen. ok it hurts to know that. but who cares. i hv my own thoughts. some people just stuck too much to stereotypes. if they think one person is what, they will think that they are that all the time. discrimination. maybe that's the word. not that i dun discriminate. i do sometimes, if im not aware. but i tried not too. ah, something i dun like. i dislike groupies and popular crowds. they only think about themselves. leaving outsiders behind. and me. im stuck with this crowds. i do wan to get out sometimes, cause it makes me uncomfortable that i have to blend with the crowds.
i may not have as much experienced but i;ve seen the world from different angles. I've learnt lesson that people only think big about themselves. so if i think im important, of course i will prioritize my health. cuz, who's gonna hv the loss. not you. not him. not her. or not the group. of course it's me. so if i choose my skoool rather than other, that is because skool is more important than those other stuff; cuz if i failed school, you wont be the one facing the consequences. right. you just gonna stay there say everything is going to be ok. where in fact, it's not. so please understand my choices in life.
memories brings back happy moments
11:03 AM
last night, i had a long great webcam with my lil bro a.k.a lil santa/my "son". hehehehe...he's so cute. he kept asking me the same questions like "nuuunnnaaaa....lg ngapain?" hehhehee...isnt it cute. ok, he's 3 years old of cuz he's gonna ask the same Qs over and over. this question sometimes drive muffin nuts. oh well, you just have to be patient with kids. he's a smart boy i think, i mean for his age. once someone shows he something, he will imitate them and do the same thing everytime. but he's kinda slow and lazy for the educational part. my mom told me he's learning to sing a song. oh well..I MISS HIM. he's gonna be 3 in two weeks. and im not gonna be around. isnt that sad~
weekend was a bit dodgy for me. not only i was down with flu+sore throat+blocked nose. I have tons of assignments from paper and group projects and i have to attend meetings. plus i was under medication the whole weekend. i am sick okay. some people just dun understand the word sick means that you need a lot of rest. it's not my fault i was sick. it just happens. i mean i wasnt the one that was sick. the guy in the comp lab was sick as well. i met him this morning, he sounded worse than me. we were both sick on thurs, we had sore throat.
someone have been acting weird lately. not me. him i would say. hahahaha...i dunno i get the feeling that there's something going on with him. i wont say wad happen. but i sense something. hahahhaa...ok, maybe im not sensitive. but i can sense some part. though this sense dun really work properly sometimes..i'll let u know the real story after i confirm it.
this week, on wed, i'll be flying to DC to meet Deeyan n Nerissa. isnt exciting. we are going to dinner, shopping, karaoke and a possibility of clubbing. hahahaa...well..i better pack some nice clothes rather than my usual t-shirt. i also need to do laundry. GOSH...so much stuff to be done, and im awfully sick...i just hope someone would cook something nice to warm my body. since i live alone, i have to do this myself. well, when i had a roomate, i did these things myself too. oh well...i need my mommy...well, my mommy dun really care alot when i was sick cause she's busy taking care of muffin. so my daddy is the one who take me to the hospital. but despite this, I LOVE THEM BOTH~
currently listening: balonku - Tompi
memories brings back happy moments
Wednesday, November 19, 2008 12:33 PM
I wake up in the morning today, thinking "WHY DOES IT END SO QUICKLY?!? I NEED MY SLEEP" then i slowly dragged myself towards my bedroom door. argh...i hve no mood to go to school. it's that there's a fear that i keep running from. that fear is to know the future. yup. it's true i fear the future..and i fear to meet my advisor. then i convinced myself that advisors are not scary and plus they dont bite.
ok moving on, my sister is currently in the housing trouble and i have no idea how to solve them. argh!! now i only pray...i myself have my own problem. 1st, my future~ well i kinda stop making plans now cuz i know it's not gonna work. 2nd, my academic situation~currently im not under any school or specific major cuz u know it's hard to get in the major. now i just need to convince my dad to let take only marketing so i can graduate quickly next year. 3rd, my day dreaming habit~i currently dream too much about shopping days and watching days...and it's kinda a bother to my life i suppose. 4th, my love life~ i have to neglect it for the moment cuz really, it's not as important as it sounds. 5th, my teenager life~ ok now im 19 and i have approximate ly 2 months till i become 20. u know im scared i am.... IM GONNA BE 20!!!argh....this is a scary thing cause that means you are getting old. people will take you seriously and the fact that you will have less time to play around. IT SUX!
ok..moving on another topic. im practically happy now. welll sort of...you can say that. i mean as a few days before, at least i have meet my advisor, which makes me feel a bit better. hahahhaa....oh well. maybe i should end now, dunno wad else i should tell...
btw, im goona go to DC next week. but i have 3 presentations coming up the week after, and i'm kinda DOOM!! If you must say. oh well. we'll wad will have later.
ok, gotta go to class now~
xoxo,
misscherie
memories brings back happy moments
Monday, November 17, 2008 7:34 AM
Yesterday, I had a terrible headache. I couldn;t concentrate while i was in church. I dunno where the pain from, but i guess it's probably from the food i ate yesterday or the fact that i didnt sleep enough. After a weekend full of rest, this thought came last night that stop me from sleeping.
My nights have been restless, and i often wake up with no feeling of fatigue in my eyes, but my whole body seems gonna collapse.
I was scared to sleep last night, i just feel that i dun want it to end. There's thoughts in my mind, if i sleep, the days will soon end quickly and i am not prepared for tomorrow. So i decided to pray to GOD.
"God, I know i may have neglected you for a few days, I'm sorry. God, please help me go through this life. I felt that I am not the same person as I was 6 years ago. Everyday and Everynight, Im living with fear. in the past few days, I am scared to sleep cause there will be 2 choices that can happend to me. first, i may wake up tomorrow. 2nd, i may not wake up. God, give me strenghts, wisdoms and show me the way, where i should take my ship for now i am lost in the middle of the deep ocean....."
guess wad, im awake right now. that means, GOD give me the first choice. and I wake up and pray again this morning. asking him for direction. it might not be easy to tell this. though i put a smile on my face, but i just cant tell this to people that cared about me. i'm too scared and they will all say the same thing. don't worry....everything will be okay...but the words just seem to vague for me to believe them.
what should i do now? should i cry? it wont solve anything....should i back out from this life? that will be the easiest thing and the most coward way...should i face this challenges...i want to..but i just dun have enough strength...i feel tired. i just need someone to hug me, telling everything will be okay, despite of the words....if im too fraigile...i would probably start crying at that time...
i really want these worriedness to be over...
currently listenging: Your guardian Angel - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
memories brings back happy moments
Sunday, November 16, 2008 2:57 PM
How to Play
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. No cheating.
4. With the answers, give your own comments on how it relates to the questions.
5. Tag 5 people.
How are you feeling today?
Clazziquai - I will give you everything
hehehe...a good song to start the day...
Will you get married?
Rini-Aku bukan boneka
er....kinda dun make sense at all....hahaha
What is your best friend's theme song?
Shini-해뜰날 (Feat. 마이티마우스)
the song hv this disco theme...lol so..i guess a good song for after party
What is the story of your life?
Britney Spear - Womanizer
WTH?!?
What was high school like?
Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
high school life..i met a lot of special people...and learn something that change my life...
How can you get ahead in life?
Anima - Jangan Jauh Dariku
So, i cannot run away from him....hahahhaa...
What's the best thing about your friends?
Nidji- Disco Lazy Time
hahahaha...we do like to lazy around and dance like there;s no tomorrow
What's in store for this weekend?
Drive-Bersama Bintang
I spend napping on the weekend. last night, me n mr bus didnt get to see the star cuz it was too cold and the path from my friend's home to mine was just 2 mins away by car.
Describe your grandparents。
Jennifer Kae - Trouble
ok....my grandparents would be trouble...err...
How's your life going?
God of This City
well, i guess i just to rely on Him right now...
What song will they play at your funeral?
Glenn Fredly - Kisah yang salah
that means im wrong to die....
How does the world see you?
Big Bang - A Fool's Only Tear
OK great, now the world see me just a pathetic person who can cry...=.=
Will you have a happy life?
Younha - Telepathy
Ok, that mean i can only feel it...
Do people secretly lust after you?
Pingkan-Kekasih yang tidak Dianggap
Ok...that means...there is, but they ignore me....great... =.="
How can you make yourself happy?
LifeHouse-You and Me
ah...of course i'll be happy when there;s You with me...
What should you do with your life?
Norweigeian Recycle - Timb RIder
ok...my bf has no money to take of me...im broke
Will you ever have children?
Jennifer Kae - No Second Chance
so that means, i can only have 1 chance to hv children WTH?!?
What song would you strip to?
The Fray - How to save a life
*sigh* dun make sense....
What does your mum think of you?
Yovie & Nuno - Maukah denganku....
er....weird...
What is your deep, dark secret?
Jennifer Kae - OK
Ok what?!?
What is your mortal enemy's theme song?
Humming Urban Stereo - Rub Love Mode
ok....then they like electro songs
What's your personality like?
Jesca Hoop - Money
ok...I LOVE MONEY!!! hahahahaha
What song will be played at your wedding?
Rihanna - Umbrella
OK...the song is ok...but i guess will be "dugem" in the wedding instead of hving the wedding??@
hahahaha...kinda funny when i did this...lol
memories brings back happy moments
Tuesday, November 11, 2008 11:09 PM
you know that my life has been up and down. and there are times that i wanna quit something i am doing right now. feeling like giving up was the easiest solution that i can do. but i can't because people are counting on me. after seeing this youtube guru and how she went through i feel that im not the only one having a problem and i have my closest friends who support me during my gloomy and tearing days...
here's a good lyric to cheer myself....
The Middle
hey
don't write yourself off yet
it's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
just try your best
try everything you can
don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away
it just takes some time
little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
everything everything will be just fine
everything everything will be all right, all right
hey you know they're all the same
you know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in
live right now
just be yourself
it doesn't matter if it's good enough, for someone else
it just takes some time
little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
everything everything will be just fine
everything everything will be all right, all right (x2)
hey - don't write yourself off yet
it's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
just do your best
do everything you can
don't you worry what their bitter hearts are gonna say
it just takes some time
little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
everything everything will be just fine, everything everything will be all right. 
memories brings back happy moments
Monday, November 10, 2008 11:05 AM
"When sunglight touches the ground, I miss you.
When the shadow of the moonlight slowly come up, I miss you.
When the dust finally settle down, I'd see you.
Meeting in the deep night, I still can see your shadow.
When the waves crash, I hear your voice.
As everyone fall asleep in the midst of quiet forest, I hear your voice.
No matter how far, I'd be by your side.
You'd be by my side when the sun sets and the stars shine.
Ah. If only you're by my side."
memories brings back happy moments
Wednesday, November 5, 2008 3:37 PM
now, supposedly i have to look at my notes and continue studying. but in fact, i can't. my hair is itchy...well as know today is the day i am going to wash my hair. I think im going bald! argh!
each time i sweep my hair at least 2 strain of hair falls..OMG!!
i think this happend because i was stressed and i havent been eating the right food for couple of weeks. which mean, im not leaving healthy. DAMN!
a
this week is going to be tough. i hv an exam tomorrow and i have a transcript due on monday. gonna need to do my interview in 2 hours kinda nervous though but i really wanna get done with it, argh..
sis...what can i do without my sis...MUFFIN!! COME HERE QUICKLY!!!
currently listening: U-G0-Girl - Lee Hyori
memories brings back happy moments
Sunday, November 2, 2008 8:50 PM
trick or treat...
last night i went to my uni's halloween event, freakfest. i was fun, i get to see alot of people wearing unique costume.
there are the joker(scared the hell out of me), sarah palin, spongebob, elmo, cookie monster, amy winehouse, etc..
and me.. i dress like this jap student with a little flavour of harajuku due to the limited amount of accesories.
oh well, it was fun.
i was going to post something this week, but ah forget it. dun even hv the mood. sorry to my readers, even if i have no idea who.
been having up and down mood lately. maybe because of me or because of someone else.
i just dislike people who ask to much questions, they are pretty annoying to me. don't you find them annoying to.
sometimes i suspect i hv this bipolar disorder cuz my mood are always changing. i can be this really annoyed or i can be super happy. which am i now? i have no idea...people just dun understand. i dunno. i dislike people intruding into myself. it's like invading my privacy somesort..that's why i dislike people who questions too much. especially to me.
better get back to my study have a whole bad week ahead...
currently listening: all my life -shayne ward
memories brings back happy moments
